In my life I have I been to the most bottom pit I could befall and back again.  It would take me countless time to recreate the scene for you, but let me bring you up to speed with a few words.  Before my life turned around, I was bitter, angry, depressed, hated myself, hated my body, and hated my very soul it seemed.  I was so angry about so many things that my heart was dark with jealous thoughts and ill-flavored sentiments.  While my personal hell on earth may not be what others would equate as a desperate situation, and perhaps I am dramatizing my pain, but in a young boys mind my life was as rotten as my existence was laughable.  Then suddenly, within the passing of a second… as if time stood still and my body trembled, I fell out of this cocoon that had distorted my being for so long.  For the first time in my life I could see clearly; I could see myself for who I truly was –a beautiful and wonderful creation.  I saw that everything I believed to be bad about myself was a lie, and what do we all know about lies?  Lies always have a motive.

The lies I believed about myself were not strong enough to withstand the power of God’s love.  The one who created these lies for me to believe is not as crafty as he may think.  I will not be held down by them.  I will not allow myself to be ruled by the lies designed to limit my existence.

Life is a beautiful melody, a perfectly orchestrated sequence of highs and lows.  We are a creation of God, who are we to judge ourselves?  Like any piece of music, we recognize and love the differences between notes of different colors, the highs and the lows, because when they are assembled together they become something magnificent and worthy of remembrance.

All that is basically just a preface to the BEST WEEKEND EVER.  Sorry guys, I’m switching tones…

So Thursday night Jon, Derek and I decided that on Friday we would leave at midnight (which I suppose would technically be Saturday morning) and drive down to Azusa Pacific University to visit Joey.  So we pack up our stuff Friday night and left on our adventure.

Five hours of driving can be nuts.  Especially when we drove without extended stops with little more than energy drinks to keep our minds in some state of awareness.  Jon drove the entire time, Lord rest his soul.  We got to APU at the butt-crack of daylight.  Joey met us outside and brought us up to his room, and we slept.  Then we woke up around 9:30 and went to get breakfast.  At breakfast we met, for lack of a better term, Joey’s “significant other”.  I was so pleased to meet her and see if all the great talk about her was true.  After meeting her, I was impressed by her… so Joey, don’t let this one go!  I was so excited for Joey to finally have someone who’s affection for him isn’t limited to a narrow and fickle mind-frame.  Anyway, then I met Joey’s room mate, Anders.  He was a cool guy as well, and is really stinking good at skiing.

So then we decided to go to Huntington Beach.  We got our stuff ready to go and set off on the next leg of our adventure!  But before we left I saw Kacey Brooks and her gorgeous room-mate!  So I rode over to H.B. (can I really call it that if I’m not one of the cool kids who’s never lived there?  Oh well…) with Joey and Alexxa.  The trip wasn’t long, so I wasn’t too antsy about it all.  Let me set up the scene for you.  The weather was beautiful and the sand warm… the water was perfect, and the waves were fantastic!  I even saw a shark less than 2 feet from my leg (no worries young ones, it was only a couple feet long).

Then we packed up our stuff and left for UC Irvine to see Heidi’s dorm.  It was a nice little place, I know she enjoys it a lot.  After that we tried to drive home, but what followed was a tangled mess of mapquest directions with serendipitous consequences!  Not really, but it took us a little more than 3 hours to drive what should have taken 50 minutes.  It was ok though.  Sometimes in life, you just have to enjoy the ride.

We went to a place called BJ’s.  Make all the jokes you want, you immature children!  Actually, I made the most jokes, so anyway… the pizza was good and the experience worth remembering.

Then we went back to the campus and just hung out… it was perfect.  I enjoyed things so much.  So then I was leaving to go play guitar somewhere but Joey decided to come with me.  It was a great time of friendly bonding, and it was really good for me.

I already feel that when I go to APU I will have friends there.  The people are so awesome and amazing… I can’t wait to be there… lord willing.

Jon and I left our new friends and drove 5 hours northeast to make new ones at the APU High Sierra Camp at Bass Lake where Marg is staying.  We arrived 2 hours before she got home from church and lunch, so we hung out for longest time.  Then she finally got there, and when we surprised her, it was so funny because I swear she looked at me and saw me but didn’t recognize me but it puzzled her.  It was so funny.

Staying at Bass Lake for that day was amazing as well.  I really enjoyed the company of all the people there.  They were so nice and friendly, easy to get along with… just the best of people.  I thought Marg’s roommate Jorri was really cool, and so were the “boys from room 4” (Branden, Loren, Josh).  They were all so nice to me and made me feel like I was part of the crowd, haha).

Ate dinner at a place called “Forks”.  It was “okay food”.  Yes.  Drove home to the lovely sound of laughter emanating from our bellies as we listened to Dane Cook comedy… despite it being the 50th time I’d listened to the cd during the trip.  It was so funny.

Lots of amazing things happened this weekend.  Jon and I drove a total of 1044.4 miles within a 52 hour time-frame.  Amount of sleep: 10 at the most…

The weekend really restored my spirits.  They had been so diminished by all of the nitty gritty grime that pervades my life, but this weekend wiped me clean and showed me a world of ideal situations and settings in which my life would make more sense.  Here’s to those nights!

I am so filling out an application to APU.  It’s truly the home I desire.  I am missing a big college experience right now, an experience that LMC has more or less stripped me of my power to make changes.  Not any more, I’m applying to APU, biatches!  Excuse my French.  French tongue!  Biatches… what?!  Ok… I’m done… it’s late, sorry.

Let me some up my weekend into one original phrase you can quote me as saying:  “sometimes in life, you just have to enjoy the ride”

Yeah you can take that home and chew on it, enjoy it!

Ok, at least I hope it was original!

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted here.  Ever since I got a myspace my participation in mindsay has kind of dwindled... however, I'm looking into going back to "my roots" (lol) and posting more blogs.  Maybe all the time, like one every 2 days.  I just loved mindsay, but got sucked into myspace because of the pictures, blogs, networks, etc.  Anyway.  If you haven't been to myspace, or have one... check me out...  www.mindsay.com/gspencer.  Thats cool! 

Here is a blog i put on myspace back in June, enjoy!

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If for one second, our world was stable and the reality of our lives was secure, would the future loose its mystifying quality?  Man has always lived and died for the chance to profoundly affect their future, even when that future was certainly uncertain… clothed in doubt and their futility masked by courage.  Is there anything that is so assured that we may confidently risk our lives without fearing consequences?  If the future was undeniably predestined, would you still fight for your convictions, especially if you knew your death would be in vain?

What then, is there to live for?  The value of a life is polar… it is either so priceless a masterpiece that we should constantly stand in awe of a creation so wonderful that it defies all logic and reason, or… we can assume our life is simply a momentary speck in this universe, if even our existence warranted the status of ‘speck’.  The value of our life is in our own hands, determined by what we live for in our short existence.  Still even, our life is never worth heaven’s grace unless we accept salvation… accepting redemption.  Our good works may be so good that the world bows down and worships our effort… but that will never be so splendid that it guarantees us a spot in heaven.  The only way to the father, is through his Son, Jesus the Christ.  It is neither naive nor ignorant to believe this simple truth… the world calls us close-minded… I profess; we absolutely are close minded because we have the truth.  Nothing can ever change what you know in your heart to be true.

Carpe Diem.  The prevalent theme in the life of every youth is to live each day for the miraculous gift that is.  In my life… all I have ever wanted was to be alive and experience life in new ways.  I felt that I was never living, only existing.  I would rather live one day than exist for an eternity.  The decisions that I make, the choices that I resolve, the life that I lead; it is all in the pursuit of making my every day count.  Not just to be worthy to my cause, but to be worthy to myself… that in the end I will know I have lived well, but most importantly, lived in a way pleasing to my father in heaven.  Having a life at all is such a miracle; I could not disrespect my creator by taking my life for granted.  We have such a gift, why do we selfishly squander it on ourselves?  Life is so short, and the time it takes to fight, argue, and waste on meaningless pursuits is such a large fraction of our lives… and for what reason?  Ironically we waste time everyday in ourselves beside the fact that our greatest enemy is time itself.

Regret is the enemy that steals time from us, causing us to forget that every moment has its value and a lesson.  Regret is but sorrow for an event long gone.  We then have a choice to live a life stained with regret, or learn our lesson and correct ourselves.  The path to a consciously right life is never easily traveled, but at all costs, is so needed.  Regret makes us out to be fools to the reality that we cannot change the past or alter the consequences of our actions.  The only one way to avoid the punishment we so deserve is to accept Christ’s gift of eternal life.

My life seems to summersault every day before my eyes.  I have seen my life flip-flop, back-flip, tumble, toss and turn… and this roller coaster doesn’t seem to slow.  What I know and love one day drastically changes the next, and each new day becomes a surprise before my eyes.  It’s hard to live to be worthy when sometimes your quest is unworthy.  I must check myself each day, to be sure that my conquests are noble and pure.  Gladly though, I hope that my life’s roller coaster will be a loud rumble, a deafening thunder in this world, not a quick gasp and churn.

Desperate and hungry I crave your grace

Sun shining down, blinding this face

That I’ve tried so hard to give to you

And now there is nothing else I can do

But throw myself down and give into you

Jesus show me, what can you do?!

This fake and frail façade that I was

Has never been so broken only because

The only way to get close to you is

To live my life seeking out only his.

Just once chance to do it this all right

Before that day when day becomes night

In the end, when all is then done

And I look up to see your only son

Looking back with that loving gaze

All will be perfect, for the rest of my days

I’m with my savior, and nothing can last

Longer than this love, indefinably vast

No word could color a picture so true

As a picture of the love in me is due

As you are the source of all that I love

The wondering creator of all I know of

And your light shines into my every part

Creating the greatest love in my heart

I could sing of your name for days

In so many new, new loving ways

But never could I worship you so

When I bend to your grace’s flow

Geoff Spencer  5.10.05  11:30pm

Nows the time before the sorrow
I'll fall today before tomorrow.
This damage I cause in my dispair
His forgiveness can still yet repair
With my every thought I do my best
to live for you and pass this test.
But in this weak and frail possition
I'm afriad I'm not in the best condition
Needing your help at every turn about
to carry me through this in and out.
Oh what a friend you have been to me
just turn yourself away so you won't see.
I know I'll fail and make you sad again
Just like I did those days back then
I know you won't and it pleases me so
but this pain I reep I'd rather not sow.

So help me now , on you I'm sold
I'm now yours, from young till old
I'll never leave your sight because
I could never go back to how I was.

Geoff Spencer  04.01.05

It would have been nice.  Maybe it wasn't possible?  I dunno, it would have meant a lot for my friends to call me.
They've all gone on the cruise.  There was no one at church on sunday.  Going to classes was often boring and uneventful.  I spent last night shooting airsoft guns until the wee hours of the morning in boredom.  This whole week i keep thinking "dang i wish i was on that cruise".  Everyone is going to come back with great stories, and i'm going to have to hear them all.  I want to hear them, but I know it'll just make me feel like i've missed out already more than I do now.

The thing that scares me most, is how much can i trust some friends to not talk about me at a light that will flatter themselves, but not me.  It scares me because I am so trusting, perhaps too trusting, and my biggest fear is that it will haunt me.

is this the way things were supposed to be
pieces of my broken life littered around me
with every step I fall all the more apart
and every breath brings pain to my heart
when i try to take one step without you
I'll always fail, forgiveness not through.

God how I need you now in my life!
There's no other way to shed off this strife.
In every ghasping breath I take
the world all around me threatens to quake
and all the foundations revealed so true
the only life i have, is with you.

-geoff spencer   03.17.05
(all rights reserved)

You could of had it all, but you made the choice to follow your fantasies which led you astray.

I would love to know how your mind works, although I know it'd hurt me all that much more.

I'm so hurt I can't even materialize these feelings into words... and that is something I have never had any problem doing.

I was meant to live for so much more than this tireless day in day out cycle that has lead to nothing but heartache and pain.  God's design for me will be fulfilled in all his glory and none of my own.  I can't wait to see what he has in store for my life, the blessings of joy and fruits of the spirit will be a defining light upon my life and I will ever live in the freedom of Christ.

You can chose another guy over me just because you think he is better looking and "nice all the time", and you can keep your fantasies... but I think you've made a big mistake.  People always underestimate my strengths.  While maybe I can't benchpress a bulldozer, the power in my heart and the passion in my life could overwhelm any force.  I'm tired of being placed on a pedastool of physical perfection next to people that I love and being judged by other's standards.  I know I'm not a perfect 10, and I don't try to be.  When I honestly look at myself all I see is an 8... and I know I strive to be a 10.  I know I can't compare to the physical perfection of a few others close to me, but that is just one way to judge... and I can't believe you would be so nieve and fake as to judge me soley on that standard without taking into account all the other qualities God has blessed me with.  I could have expected that you of all people would understand that!

You want to be so close to God.  You even challenged my relationship with Christ by questioning it's validity when you said "if he had a good relationship with Christ why would he care what he looks like?".  Well if you are so awesome, why do you care that someone else looks better.

I can't help that, I can't make myself look better.  I know I am cute and I know I am hot... I have plenty of people reaffirming that.  I don't want to be the hottest, I don't want to be hotter... I want people to recognize that there is a personality inside me... instead of being judged constantly on how I compare to others.  If you even knew!!

I want to be nice, and my whole body aches to be humble.  I am upset and sad, dismayed and crushed.  What would you expect.  By the end of the night I'll have forgiven you, but don't expect me to continue to pursue you.

I realized the whole problem was that I never should have pursued my fantasy either.  After the first time, you gave me a shred of hope and told me I could try for it, but I know see that was just your attempt to let me off easier.  I tried to continue but know I recognize it was the wrong thing to do this whole time.  Does this all become my fault then?

I was meant to live for so much more than routine and schedules.  God built me with a purpose and gave me the ability to have passions and to love.  He gave me the freedom to live my life out in a way that will one day return a blessing to him... just as his death on a cross brought life to my lungs.

I'm so sick of trying for girls and being dissapointed when things end.  It seems so worthless right now.  Joey was right, it's just pointless.  I want to love and be loved so badly... but why?  I'm so disgusted with my foolishness, and my heart just burns with pain.  Like I said though... I'll have forgiven you by the end of the night, but if friendship is what your heart desires... then this time around you are the one who must make the effort and risk dissapointment, because I'm not going to take any more risks in trying to be with you... it's just not meant to be and I should have saw this from the beggning.  God loves us both, and right now... I'm glad that at least he loves me.

If only I had done this from the start, maybe I'd be somewhere today.

*Put your arms around her waist and whisper in her ear
*Make her feel wanted every chance you get
*Hold her close when she's cold
*When you are alone hold her close and kiss her

*Kiss her on the tip of her nose
(it will give her the hint that you want to kiss them)
*While in the movie, put your arm around her
and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder,
then lean in and tilt her chin and kiss her lightly
*When she complains that her neck/ shoulders hurts massage it for her
*When people diss her stand up for her
*Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her
*Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart,
*Link your fingers together while you whisper to her
as she rests her eyes and listens to you

What I wouldn't give just to have one chance to remember what this is like.  Soon, Im sure we'll find each other.

I had one of the best weekends ever.  It was so much fun, even though we really didn’t do that much.  It’s just one of those weekends that make you feel like you are alive and living.  It was awesome and I just loved the whole thing.

Friday night I went to Denis’ church for a young adult’s group meeting that he’s been trying to talk me into going for a long time.  As I was driving up, I glanced to my side and saw this car full of girls waving at me.  I was trying to figure out if I knew them or if they were just trying to get my attention (found out later that it was a friend of mine!).  I accidentally came about an hour late to the group meeting.  It was ok though.  I just missed worship… lead by Denis, too crazy funny, lol.  Well after that was over I went home to wash cloths and prepare for the big day ahead.

Saturday morning Joey and I drove up to see his new 20 acres in the Sierra Nevada foothills, a couple miles north of Copperopolis and a few miles southwest of Angles Camp.  Well the drive was pretty fun even.  Just drove bumping music 90 miles an hour around hilly roads with a dog in the back seat.  We had to kick it down a notch because the dog threw up, it was really sad…. But it only did once.  It was sad… but it didn’t “spoil the fun”.  I remember there was this one hill that we took at about 80, and as we came over the crest of the hill, we started looking to see the bottom, but it was really steep on the other side, so it felt like we were going to drive off a cliff… but then we finally saw the bottom after like an eternity, and I just let go of my breath and exhaled, and it was just funny…. But really… you had to have been there, lol.

The 20 acres was nice!  I mean, it has potential to be really sweet.  There is about 3 or 4 water springs, and running water from springs above the property, and there is some huge boulders and tons of stuff on the property.  It’s mostly on the side of a hill, but that’s ok because you can build around that easily.  In the middle of the property and down at the bottom, there’s a spring that flows into a underground concrete cistern.  We found a pipe jutting out of the ground and so Joey and I pulled the cement lid off and looked inside.  It was dark so you couldn’t see much, so we yelled into it to hear the echo and it lasted for a long, LONG time.  It was pretty crazy.

After that we went and got a chocolate shake at some place called “Mrs. B’s” and then went back to the hotel where Joey’s family was staying.  Hung out there for a while, watched some winter X games, then took off for Haley’s house!

Arrived at Haley’s about a half hour later… what is surprising to me is that we remembered exactly how to get there, even though the only time we had ever been there before was in the dark.  So we arrived and Haley was pretty happy to see us.  I was really happy to see her.  I’ve liked her a long time.  I mean, it’s not that I can’t get girls here… it’s that there aren’t girls here like her!  Haley is just one of those amazing girls.  I can tell she isn’t a fake and that exactly what I see is exactly what she is.  I’ll explain more as I talk about the weekend.

So we hung out for about 2 or 3 hours, then decided to eat some food.  Haley was talking about what she had to make, but I didn’t want her to cook for us when we could be hanging out, so I told everyone I would treat them to dinner.  So we wound up just getting a pizza at Roundtable.  It was pretty freaking funny though because my most favorite pizza is pepperoni and olive.  Now the thing is, I know Joey doesn’t like olive, but he told me to get it anyway.  So I asked Haley if she likes olives (because what I really want is to get a pizza everyone will enjoy) and she said she did like olives.  Then though, as we sat down… Haley said she didn’t like pepperoni though.  So I basically ordered a pizza that only I liked when I was trying to get something for everyone, lol.

We went back to Haley’s after stopping at Lake Hogan.  It was pitch dark but you could see almost every star it seemed.

Back at Haley’s, Joey started to play piano and I attempted to play guitar left handed.  Wait, I am left handed… but I learned to play right handed and so I kinda messed up my whole system.  I wasn’t actually too bad.  I bet if I sat down for a week to do it, I might be able to be just as good in 8 days as the 2 years + I’ve spent on my right hand.

Later in the night, around midnight everyone went to bed.  Haley brought us a million blankets and pillows and we were just going to sleep on the couches, but they got uncomfortable so we switched to the ground.  Haley came out and in a spat of randomness, I asked her to tuck us in and read us a story.  She was laughing, and to my surprise, she ran back to her room and came back out with a book, and read to us a story (written by John Lithgow, oddly enough (he’s the guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun and the voice of the evil little midget prince in Shrek)) about a boy who’s becoming a manatee.  It was “precious”.

So in the morning, I woke up and she had made us blue berry waffles.  How awesome is that?!?  So we ate the wonderful food and yes, it was wonderful.  It was so awesome that she woke up early just to cook for us.  The thing that I like about her is that she’s a pleaser.  She liked to make people happy not because she fears their rejection but because she is just commonly interested in the well being of others.  She wanted to organize a missionary trip to Southeast Asia to help tsunami victims.  She’s just so spectacular.

And if it wasn’t enough, she is crazy beautiful.  I mean, she’s a knockout.  She’s about 5’1” which is a good height for me since I’m 5’6”.  I usually only like girls that are less than 5’10” cause then it’s just weird.  Well anyway, we went to church and she wore this skirt that was just like, wow.  But yes, she is super cute.

After that, we went home.  It was a good trip home too.  No dog to barf (or bark).  No map to follow (we got turned around a few times), and it was just plane good fun.  As we got back to Brentwood we got a slushy (not a slurpy), then headed over to Joel’s house.  But as we drove up, Joel was pulling out to go to lunch at Johnny Carrinos.  So he invited us to go and we went but didn’t eat any food.  Everybody else did, but I didn’t want to spend any more money.

So it was a cool weekend.

The truth about your life may be hard to bear....
You get just one chance to make it valuable.

What have you done to make your life count. You could die 30 seconds from now, and thats the cold reality about our existence. The beauty that you see in life will one day pass through your eyes one last time, and after that... it's all over. Heaven of Hell... hopefully not the latter.

Life is too short to not take a chance, to not take a breath and not be overwhelmed by jumping into the deep end of love. By not taking that leap, you risk the greatest disapointment of your life... sitting on your death bed, looking back and thinking "I missed my chance". The greatest pain in life is wondering "what if?". What if I had stoped to talk to that girl? What if I had put myself on the line for one minute, taken a step of courage... and made a move? "What if's" are far more degrading that "I wish I hadn't".

Carpe Diem. Does anyone know what it means? You think you do, but here's the truth... you don't. You think it means "Seize the day". Well you've got the translation right, but what about the context? People use that to justify anything from drugs to promiscous sex, and then in the end, it will kill you. Seize the day..... use this day to change your life for the better, to make yourself worth something! Take a chance, make the leap... don't look back! Do something that makes your existence worth the energy that was spent bringing you into this world. Live each day so that the next generation will speak your name with the highest regards...

I'd risk anything for love.

At all times, you should be prepared to risk everything.  For only by risking all you have, can you ever gain anything worthwhile.  Anything that was ever worthy was never gained without a risky action.  Be prepared to take that risk.  Be prepared, for the moment comes when you least expect it.

A risk is my worst enemy. I hate risks. Especially the hardest ones. My whole life hangs by this thread. To risk all that I have for a 50/50 chance to experience what I've never had, or to idle by comfortably until the day when my chance to actually experience my life comes to a blistering end that lacks no discreet or gentle passing. Is that living? Is that what I am to make with my one chance?

Never. I would rather risk all that I have for one chance to see everything in a new way, than to sit here and wish that I had. Then why am I so afriad to take this chance? My confidence has never been higher... my courage never braver... so why do I sit here day by day asking myself "is today the day?". For what do I have to gain by not risking it all. Risk big to win big.

Today is that day.

Today I stop my act. I end my idle complacency. Life's too short to wait day by day for the chance to come. I realize that you can't wait for the chance to come, you make the opportunity that creates chances to excel. Today is the day that I hang up this facade of "I'm happy about everything". Truth is, while my spirit is high and my hopes are great... inside I burn to live. I desire to experience life in a way that I could never regret. That will make me happier than I am now. I had been happy with my comfortable life, but now I see that my comfortability would be my greatest defeat. Today is the day.

Geoff Spencer 2005©